The Regular Drill

Today I didn’t use standard sentences as ‘good’ day or shit like that and it was pretty cool, sometimes it goes automatic so it required some effort to not do. Having a conversation in a practical manor where I am not involved in sympathy or any worry that has to do with the feelings of the other actually rather prevents frictions than anything else, anyway things that I don’t want to say: like with the good day, or those baked in sentences that are polite,  its nothing personal but in countries where people have money to spend it is sort of a system confirmation where you will have a good day and think about nothing else than having a good day and it is directly related to money. Work is almost a daily thing so I better become effective and stay aware of myself, this is a cool exercise.

Besides work I started playing music again which is supportive as it also is a process where you hear back yourself and experiment. Some series I picked up on too, such as criminal minds that is pretty interesting, with profiling and human behavior. For my study, I have received my material and I am starting with a introductory course to build a basis and a profile to climb through the education system in some way. The things that I need and what I want to do is all here and available, yet what is most of the resistance is the regular life, the regular things – the things I used to take for granted were actually my life: sitting in a coffee shop, hanging around somewhere with friends or drinking and getting loose in some way from the regular drill. All that I have closed, some things I am willing to pick up such as a movie with some old friends or maybe a jazz café , on the other hand I feel it is an attempt at my memories and things I have done before as I do not get a clear answer when I ask myself what starting point I have for going to these things and what do I really want to do with my life?

For the longer term goals I need a consistent application and even though I have been struggling since I got back I got some things together and provided myself with opportunities once more, the only thing is the regular drill, like the daily shit, that is a bitch – but it is not really the daily shit it is myself being confronted every moment that this is what I have become, it hurts like hell and the running didn’t work out so here it is my life, the regular drill and more importantly what to do with it – becoming consistent in my application of taking care of myself builds self trust, it is something that requires constant attention until it becomes myself, besides my worries of what to do with my life, the more fundamental value is myself as life that is the basis and so I push this point for now: taking care of me – even the step of recognizing this and taking on this point is going against every hair on my head, better shave it of that’s for sure.

voice recording: http://www.box.net/shared/jadk7n5dba

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