Projections, frictions, frustration

One thing that has been a constant struggle is projections of the future, anxiety of the future – that is something that goes on inside me all the time, not in general terms but for me so a personal thing.

Feelings of frustration and frictions in little moments occur – this is followed by eventually depression, usually I would use weed alcohol or any means necessary to sedate and suppress myself, today I stop in this moment I write and find out what the fuck.

I still hold an idea of myself of what I have to do, of who I have to become – this idea is as it is stated an idea, it is separate from me and not me as me correcting me as who I am as the process of Self-Realization. All that I have done is created an image of myself, looked at myself and started to create another idea to become, yet as separate from myself – this creates friction, anger, frustration and ultimately depression.

What am I still holding onto as an idea to ‘keep’? What is it that I am afraid of to lose?

I am still holding onto some sort of idealism, where I compare what is ideal to how it is now and within that judge myself, judge others and within that I do not see myself as what I am, as what it is and how it is.

What I can come up with as ideas, what I can envision and think of is not ever how it is going to be or how it is so there is no point in holding onto an idea so what is the point of holding onto something? What do I fear losing?

I made a voice-recording of this particular system


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