A Gift to Myself

When I was around 12 years old and in basic school, I started creating my personality – performing in sports and competing with others was one of the ways, but also copying behavior of others, of my father predominantly. He copied it from someone else too, from the beginning moments I have had what I wanted in life, my parents where caring to the extend of special caring – what I mean by that is that I got to spend time with my parents and traveled with my parents, did activities and we formed a close family that was doing all the things close families do.

Over the years my attitude towards my parents changed as that of teenagers do when growing out of the family into society. I became more rebellious and experimental and started connecting with friends, starting the second phase of the creation of myself as a definition in society. I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol – simply testing the boundaries physically and mentally. Life went on and my school was suffering somewhat under my lifestyle. Doing homework I have done but it declined very much until I fell on one field despite the efforts of a particular teacher to motivate me.

In general I was one of the teenagers that went into depression and within that allowed abuse of myself, even if it was only to feel some kind of reaction from myself, to experience myself in some other way that usual – because that was simply unbearable.

 

After I went down a level in high school I got myself together and walked through one year and finished school on a lower level than I began with. Underneath it all I was disappointed in myself and I was basically depression waiting to happen, cycles of abuse I repeated where predominantly substance abuse was the thing I would do to avoid myself, to avoid confrontation. The confrontation of the fact that I had fucked up for reasons of my own, at the moment of admitting and seeing that I could actually make something of that experience by not doing that same thing again – but I didn’t which made me more miserable which showed in the abuse of substances.

Apart from the fact that school might suck ass it doesn’t justify my actions in any way towards myself, I neglected myself and allowed the environment to define me and influence me. Other things I did where windsurfing, I had done it for quite some time and it was the only thing in my life I felt good about myself, about what I was doing – but in the school department the same pattern repeated, where I would be on a school for some time and I dropped out in one field, which I tried to justify ever since but there isn’t anything for it. I did go after that school to France, where I made a trip to pick grapes and basically be with strangers. The experience for me was another get away, however a useful experience which put me on my own out there and was great way to get some discipline and also to disassociate from the environment at home.

Coming back I started working, I worked to earn back money I lost and after some time I had enough, the working and doing stuff l liked motivated me and I enjoyed myself for the first time, while being on my own – the money and things I could do on my own enabled me and I enjoyed it extensively, it was a form of freedom that I had desired before – although the work I did at the time I didn’t want to do for long so I created another plan.

The windsurfing instruction experience and background in sports I wanted to put into practice and so I went to sports school. General principles of sports and movement where practiced and I got a learning place with my old teacher, teaching kids the basics of sport. The time I have spend teaching and supporting sports was great, I enjoyed it extensively. At the end of the year we had to make a choice though to split into a specific field of interest. I chose watersports.

The second year was oriented activities around watersports. I found a place through this school where I got to work as a windsurf instructor, I enjoyed it and mainly it went all well, although I had some issues with one of the teachers. After working for a while at the watersports facility, where in between I had a girlfriend for a short while who was completely fucking me over and possessive like a motherfucker which everyone could see except myself and I also justified our relationship through the great time we had together, but all I did was enable her and her bullshit. At the place where I worked as a windsurfer instructor I had a pretty good time but it all came to a shocking turning point where I had a moment of confrontation with one of the bosses there. This specific situation I had written out in SRA as a mind construct and is the capstone of the design of Jorn where I became a control freak as a pharaoh protecting my valley of paradise. Also in this situation I tried to justify my actions by blaming it on the other party, but I didn’t realize I had created this experience myself and that I have build myself up and finished myself up as a personality design that is centered around keeping my cool.

The work ended at the camping where I had thought windsurfing and I moved on to work in the city, the money was easy, the work was ok, solving problems and helping with technical problems I could do pretty well and it allowed also for development and it also included getting feedback on myself and I so I enjoyed this job, I smoked weed everyday and at some level I was disappointed in myself again because I hadn’t really faced the point of what to do with my life. A question that no one can answer for me.

 

I found desteni around this time, I watched a shitload of video’s and studied the material extensively. Specifically my behavior towards myself and others changed with regards to substance abuse, I managed to stop my weed addiction through self-forgiveness and I started to release burdens I had taken on that got me to the position where I really couldn’t do much anymore than work and consume. I was fascinated by the fact that I finally could relate to day to day experiences and feedback that pertained to daily living and what is disregarded and written off as normal. I started with basic stuff like breathing and stopping patterns. I took some time off or actually I got fired but I didn’t take another job immediately. I went into a period of writing on the desteni forum and sharing. I started sharing videos where even though still suppressed I shared myself and I started working on myself. The forum and video’s were un-miss-able at that point. Some relief I got by stopping weed and behavior of abuse that constricted me more and more.

The removal of abusive behavior and of the weed and alcohol basically brought out the real source more and more, my character changed to a more expressive character, anger and also a vibrant me arose where the suppressed feelings of my entire life began to surface. It put me through a rough period of emotional turmoil, I practically went nuts – common sense video’s and breathing kept me on the ground, I smoked cigars and listened to music to distract myself. I disrupted all patterns, of sleep eating and drove myself to disassociation, I had an extreme period where I started to hear things and at some point got to where one of my neighbors who was talked about as someone that was emotionally detached and/or crazy, but somehow I could communicate with him and the strange thing is, is that actually something that we agreed to without speaking he would do, which was walk through a fence, which isn’t his property, on the end of my street and back as an invitation for me to come out. I walked in his house and I sat on his couch, scared to death, in particular because of the method of how I got there, the toilet was skew yet clean, another room only had a chair and a magazine and some numbers on the wall, I got some green tea and basically just sitting there made me release quite some things, the only thing I could do was breathe.

He said to me: ‘everything is exactly as it is‘ I relaxed somewhat and asked if I could use his chessboard, he gave me a little bucked which was supposed to contain the pieces or something but instead it was filled with some pieces and the rest where things like a coin or a piece of plastic or some button.

I set up the chessboard and tried to figure out how to set it up, he said after my first try of composing the chessboard: no, that’s not quite it. I retried another time and he didn’t seem to agree. At the end I put a white tower piece in the middle on its head and he said that’s also a possibility. I sat there on the couch and studies the room for clues, I saw he smoked Gauloises filter cigarettes, I smoked Camel myself there was an angel on the cover and two cigarettes lay out on the little table in a specific manor, he had in the meantime taken a magazine and was looking something up, in the street they talked about him as someone that had studied economics and was quite good at what he did and then went crazy. He asked if I knew there would be a meeting later on in the garden, I said: no, whereon he said: then I don’t know either. I asked if I could take his cigarettes and he was not to bothered about it but I placed the two cigarettes back and got up to leave, when I walked out in the morning around 5 he said: look now you are walking straight – I felt immensely relieved and I headed to my room to write a little poem:

A camel is a camel and a cat is a cat and thats that, let me explain:
Camels are self-sufficient and consistent
Cats are predators and kill the ill those that do not know fact from fiction
Now, Will The Camel Kill The Cat?

The entire crusade got even stranger where I would stand in the morning at my front door and a cat would look at me and I would experience being attracted like sucked into the cats eyes and the cat would lead me to another cat and to another cat where eventually the cat led me to a stop sign sticker on a window and I would look out at this cat that was looking at me from the other side of the street from behind the bars of the gate if the community garden that was still locked because it was so early in the morning.

It was at this time I realized I had been following cats an it became a little too strange, I said to myself: stop, what are you doing and I let it go, I went to sit in my window to smoke and I saw the neighbor pass by. I didn’t speak from that day on to him anymore or follow cats for that matter. I stopped, I had enough of my own curiosity. The next day I packed my things and went home to relax, the sun was intense and I decided to go home and relax. Strangely enough I encountered when helping my mother with her computer the neighbors from my parents’ village, I knew them for quite some time – they came by and as the father of the kid I knew shook my hand he said that he read my blog and knew what I was doing and that he didn’t approve of it, I found it so strange – was that why they were here? I left the house with my bike and drove into the grasslands, where at least no people were – I chose a path interpreting the movement of animals and I ended up by a river where I buried all my things in the ground, passport and all that shit, I walked to the other side through the river and was greeted by the cows, they licked my face and I lay down to die in some way.

I buried myself with ground of the riverbank to stay warm and fell asleep, in the middle of the night I woke up – I reacted to a call so I believed from myself or whatever, I moved and without any idea where I really was I started walking, orientation wasn’t easy as it was completely dark after quite some time of walking I ended up at a house, I knocked on the window, but I was naked and the man who could see me didn’t open but watched tv instead. I sat down in a boat close by with my sweater around my knees, I saw in the forest the eyes of a cat light up. It was sitting there like a statue. I got up and walked on back to the cows and slept with them on the river bank. I had decided to stay and go back and the man that didn’t let me in actually supported me as this was another way to get away from my self created experience – I had to walk through this. I woke up and I started walking, my sense of direction was practically gone, I was lost.

After interpreting the movement of animals and basing where I was going on that, I arrived at a river and a little establishment. It seemed I found a naturist camping, a man and his golden retriever approached me and I asked for the showers and I showered. I asked at the souvenir store if they had trash bags, because I still was naked, they had not – I walked the street and found the beach which I recognized, I had made quite a detour, I crossed the last canal and asked a woman if I could have a trash bag, she gave me one. I walked back home, my leg hurt and I was cold, somewhere I lay for a short while next to the road to rest up, some people past by on bike asking each other if I was dead, the woman said: nah he is breathing and the moved on, I stopped at another house to get some water, I knew this woman a little – I said I had training.

When I arrived I saw grandma she asked how I was doing, I touched her briefly and said I was ok. I took a shower and after all this time I could finally rest. I had walked a tough path and I could see that I had created a course for myself to stop myself mentally and physically and also this time faced basic fears. I saw through the simple nature outside where everything perishes that doesn’t care that I have to care about myself and also stay with this basic realization of what really matters, it is how nature works and everything that I had personally was worthless. I had created a trial that I put myself through to proof to myself that my entire personality is fiction and destroying me if I continue.

I could not explain my experiences rationally I haven’t been able to completely accept what I had done as myself and fell into thought patterns of that it was done to me – but I had done this and I didn’t think I would take it that far, but I did, I performed a ritual where I followed my mind to see where it leads and at the very end I realized I have to direct myself and stop following my mind.

Now that the entire story is written, I can see how I created myself and to what extent my mind has control over me and that it will become worse if I follow it. I have already shown this to myself. After my experiences I still suppress myself and take on a suit to protect myself – it is because the very rebellion against myself as a personality became madness and schizophrenia and I use those terms loosely and according to my own diagnose. But the opposition against myself and resistance I participated in drove me to madness and suffering, only to realize that I don’t need to.

I have had a reaction to movies or anything that has to to with rituals to get out of emotional trauma or has to do with these self healing practices. I found that it didn’t work at least not as a solution, only as a self test. Consistent application and work does work because it is work, a process that requires constant participation and every time one turn away, that moment where you can either do the same automatic things or apply self in and as every moment of every breath.

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