Redesigning Self

I made a trip with my father yesterday to do stuff for the association of the cycle club, he picked up in the city some things to do in terms of organizing, the club of cycling where he does also organization work and functions within the governing of the thing, besides that the governing of the money flow, dunno what the english word is for it, within the block where my parents live now, we drove off to pick up a trailer and went by some of leo’s friends so to speak that also did cycling and that lived still in the village where my parents moved from, first we drank coffee with some old friends of leo in our old village , I saw them before a few times, they asked me about my experiences and what I did and so on, I explained living on a farm and the activities there, I noted that one of the main things that I noticed was the sharp border between rich an poor and then I steered the conversation at a grant to live from for all people, the man commented but that is old fashioned, I found it a interesting comment and he mumbled some words which pointed out political and societal movements in the Netherlands that are connected with the minimum or basic income that every citizen gets. Anyway I explained that it isn’t something new and that it will be a complete system that encompasses and replaces the current system completely. Creating a system that works for you as a country within a system as the world that doesn’t work as an entirety is just as a human only taking care of him or herself and shutting their eyes and ears for whats in and as the entirety. We picked up the trailer and drove to a another friend of leo that lived in our village, he was to paint a wooden structure that was a step or something, he objected that he didn’t have paint and that we needed paint of the same color of the wooden structure inside the trailer, so we drove back a few kilometers to pick up some paint.

when we got back we were invited in and also his wife was there so again I shared my experience briefly, again I steered the conversation towards people having no money and nothing to live from, the woman made the comment that you can get without money and have nothing in the Netherlands to, but that was if you really tried so that means not doing the things the system demands of you in order to get what you need, simply meaning deliberately fucking it up for yourself even though you can get the support you need- I pointed out the difference, it seemed to simply make them quite – I mean what is there to say I have seen it so many times, people that give that empty stare and that is no wonder because they have no point of reference, not experienced it first hand, even seeing it will not really make any difference only experiencing it will allow you to realize how fucked up it is, we can only guess but it stands to reason and it is simply common sense that the suffering in the world is needless, the pain that we cause is not necessary – we are on a planet that is here for a while and not in a hurry, we have the time and resources to take proper care of everyone equally. I pushed my father to proceed on our course because I ordered a computer that morning and it was being assembled so we needed to get there before the computer store closed.

We drove off, I learned earlier that Leo was busy setting up a business to offer his services to associations and groups to get money funds from the government, a field where my father has been active in for the largest part of his life, he just had stopped with his previous work and this is something for himself again. I noticed his driving was a bit rough, a little to forced, his energy was a bit distorted sometimes, somewhat frustrated would be the word for that type of energy, a flow of stuff that is excess and is either suppressed or comes out through action and expression, his nail biting was really bad also, also his breathing wasn’t equalized and sometimes quick gasps of air or quicker breathing that wasn’t related to exercise. We picked up my computer, I made a quick deal that morning but an investment that I wanted to make immediately, stuff that I use daily I am not going to compromise but I am not buying items that are exotically priced, it is still a machine that does a job and is a tool nothing more.

All the things looked perfect except I didn’t buy a cd drive and from my old one the dvd drive was broken so placed the old pc back and decided to buy a dvd drive after the weekend. We had dinner this evening with my brother, I hugged my brother and gave him a more detailed explanation of what I have been doing, that it is an international coming together of people that stand for the same principles which is all is equal and one as life and that the farm is living together animal and man alike and that a course was set up which was a way to structurally align yourself to what is here to become effective in the physical and to do what is best for all, he couldn’t imagine him having a reason to do such a course, and I explained to him how a human is much like having software and repeats patterns an that you can identify and change this to become more effective and physical, he understood and could see now that it is useful. I asked him about how he was doing and he said he had been living comfortably in the house, he talked about his roomy briefly. He also said I used to have a twitch at the right corner of my right eye and that was gone completely – cool feedback.

Leo was talking about some things that required some direction, he asked do you regret that you have been born and wanted to emphasize that we were wanted children, I mentioned that not a hair on my head was thinking of putting a child in the world, that was the trigger for his comment. I said ask yourself why you ask that question, it is only a doubt you have yourself where I obviously have no choice and do not regret or have anything on this because it is useless I am here, he agreed with that we don’t have a choice, my brother took a defensive body posture and took it up for me asking what is that for kind of question, I pointed it out to him and simply made him aware of his posture and I asked if he was taking my side and he said yes and I said you don’t have to I don’t take these comments personally – Leo set of his life story (oh god) of his girlfriends and so on a whole sequence of events that was actually pretty interesting of many relationships that had fallen and why or in what circumstances, I stopped him once where he was trying to compare his story to mine and I simply said no , tell your story and your experience without comparing – action – his whole story was basically your typically father sharing his shit so that you don’t do it type of thing – I pointed out that Marlen and me kept the whole love thing out and had a physical relationship direct support and moved on without having support that is not going into love and and regret and such bullshit, not worth the effort, energy time. I also mentioned that many in relationships being together is simply accepting each others limitations and bullshit and limiting ourselves under the banner of love, respect or the dutch variable tolerance. My mother full-heartedly agreed she was attentive and didn’t have anything to ad.

Then he mentioned something like being someone with a positive life value, I found it very awkward and asked what he meant with that, he gave some vague explanation of things that he valued more in life: I gave my perspective as such that the Value of Life is Life and if you have something that you value more in life then you separate yourself from life as life since you are live and you are not actively living but chasing dreams, concepts and idea’s that you give more attention and will experience ups and downs – it was as if I was explaining to me my own design. My father took back his statement and I talked with my brother about movies and series and so on. He asked if I wanted to come along to the pub with david, I said I wanted to come along some other time, not tonight…zzzz


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