Desteni Farm and Return Trip

For a while I have stayed on the farm and looking back I noticed something quite interesting, but before I get to that let me bring in the moments before I went to the farm – before I came to the farm I was working a call center job, I was satisfied with the money I made and had also secluded myself somewhat from people, meaning that I had cut of many relationship or didn’t want to continue in them the same way as I did which was simply a way of hanging with people you know, nothing changes, it’s just a bunch of flies on a can. I am taking you further back into my past, when I was a teenager and even younger when I was around eight years old, I had great vacations with my parents and basically had everything a being could as for and more, namely the more becomes a problem over time, but anyhow my parents gave me a lot and that is how I as a child get programmed: I get what I want, just because I am THE child just like every parent thinks their child is THE child. I was somewhat spoiled to put it in different words, I was a spontaneous kid though, liked playing a lot, movement, playing with others but as the years progressed I got distant from my parents, like not wanting to touch anymore its something that I can definitely see, it is what some would immediately put into a box and call it puberty but it is like you get a consciousness, it is like you suddenly realize you are naked and suddenly you feel lied to, betrayed.

The first years at school I always did well, well motivated but didn’t push through to finish, when I got to point where I felt I was being conditioned in doing the same or repeating something I became resistant and subjected to the side of me that had rejected any form of authority in general, the only part where I did enjoy myself was where I could apply on a short notice, so I started at a pretty high level at school and finished at a lower lever, still cool to do studies but simply an easy way to get of school. I enjoyed the lower grades more though, the material was more concise and the people were not so tight, they were more loose and I relaxed a little. I remember well that I looked back at myself and saw a blond boy with a sunny smile turn into a black monster with dark clothing and fatty hair, almost as if I was going to my own funeral every day or as if I was the killer of myself that had to live with myself. Looking back now, the situation that I place myself in get’s so hopeless and stuck that I can laugh about myself.

The same pattern played out on a smaller scale at the farm and since I left my apartment and had basically an empty slate when I got at the farm I could basically just see what played out and that was this particular pattern, a pattern that is my life actually but in a shorter time.

Bernard, me and Viktor were waiting in the car for esteni, some music from the radio came buy with songs like: ”what would I do without you’ which stirred me on an emotional level interestingly enough and another song that brought up memories called: ‘every step you take’ I remember the guitar pattern something about those picky notes that is very catchy in that song, the lyrics a bit weird you know: ‘every step I take, every move I make, every single day every time i pray I’ll be missing you’ and I thought of what about every shit you take, I mean then you are really fucked can’t even take a shit with having shit in your head, finally getting the shit out but some stays in type of feeling, damn – but anyway the song stirred me a as well on multiple levels and made me think of all the people I had deserted in my life, breathing worked quite well – sometimes jokes can be used to let someone know what you don’t think, I’d say there must be a term for it for the literates but call it: saying the opposite jokingly allowing the person to take a look at the truth but only if they want to…

Earlier we went through the drive by at Mac Donalds, where Bernard was having a conversation with the lady that first wanted to let him park in the sun to wait for our order, but he objected since there was no one behind us and it was more practical to not move, the lady laughed and stuff dunno if she even said anything but we stayed obviously, one of the selling points bernard used to convince her was that they could chat some more if we stayed at the same spot instead of parking in the sun away from them – she clearly did not know how to deal with a customer that was not containable or disposable when the order was done the time seemed to have passed slowly and the woman from the counter gave us the order and asked if she could have the bill which was off course a whole new dilemma but she corrected herself and said she wanted to borough the bill

The bill, life is all about paying the bill, if you do not you die, everyone is in debt because the people but to much and can’t pay the bill then god has to send another fucker to sacrifice to reset the system so everyone can start again paying the bill.

We discussed briefly in the tracking of people and how we are more and more cornered so we pay the bill and interest and that we are traceable so that nobody can cheat the system so we all go down together nicely. The bible is a single self explanatory instruction line: BUY – PAY BILL, something that we all have heard before is that the truth is hidden in plain sight, actually saying that it isn’t hidden that’s what makes it so hard to find – but a second one of putting the truth in a way that people won’t find it is to make it extremely simple – what happens then is that people say in their minds: ‘hey but I am not stupid’ to proud of being human with a perceived intelligence and the perception is exactly nullifying the only equation you can every make at one given moment: 1+1=2

We drove to the new airport of Durban, where viktor and me were leaving round about the same time, Vik to Sweden and me to the Netherlands through Dubai. Bernard said that if you are gonna buy something you do it in do-buy, I thanked esteni and Bernard for sharing their house and their food and stuff to live. Vik an me were dropped off at the drop-off point and we went shortly to look at some mp3 players but all the I pod shit was to expensive for me and it looked so small that I found it suspicious, but that was probably my own superstition, we went for a bite at some shabby place where they couldn’t remember our order and put some seemingly random stuff on the table I took some bites, showed the BILL and then got the right stuff, ate that stuff as well. We decided after we had our tickets and I had my african rands exchanged in euro’s to go through the gates and say buy buy

Emigrates was the agency that was going to ascend my ass to heaven and descend it back to earth again. I read a little in my book from jostein gaarder, maya was the book called and it was basically about a time traveling dwarf that took a picture of a woman named Ana, a spanish woman and then went back in time, lost the picture to goya who painted the face of the photograph on one of his paintings, then the dwarf sold a pack of cards to a sailer that would crash on an island and god shizo and imagine the characters alive after enough time of madness where the last one is the joker, the one that is born last if you will, the only one that can see through the illusion, the only one who know where he comes from.

Plane weird story but I liked the writer, jostein gaarder also wrote the book the world of sophie where the main characters of the story escapes the story, they slip between the lines and stories are much like a house of cards anyway, I was done reading – and we were still waiting to board the plain, it took a long time, it is interesting to look at people when they are bored looking at a ticket all the time, while there is absolutely nothing new there, I noticed it with myself like behavior simply to distract yourself or pretend, to keep your composure, I say down on a railing and looked at some people, how they were dressed and what they were doing and if they were standing, how they were standing much of their intentions and deepest secrets were revealed in the most obvious and most simplest things that is the secret about the deepest truth of people, it is not secret and not deep at all not even surfaced.

My first plane to dubai was pleasant, I watched a movie, a 3d animated movie it was called how to tame your dragon – it was all right, the setting was vikings and it reminded me a little bit of wikki the viking, you know the one smart viking between all the walking tanks that only have one setting which is search and destroy.

I had two chairs for myself so I could put my stuff aside easily, I remember now that I made a mental note to myself about airplanes how we manage to push a metal structure like this forward and through and simply gets lifted off the ground, how strange and unthinkable that really is and it struck me that the air is as much mass as we are only less dense, so you literally matter when you breath and like the airplane you need to keep moving or you crash.

Dubai came in sight, it was already evening or morning technically – the city looked exactly like a motherboard from the top, the even spacing and straight lines, I pictured the veins of a leaf in my mind and how they are not completely straight but pretty much like something fluid followed a mathematical design but is not mathematics itself. I also made a mental note that computers do not move any matter at all, on the hardrive where I stored around 1000 GB on data is nothing added, only the charge on already in place matter has changed but that is it nothing added or subtracted in mass.

The airport of Dubai was very clean and well to guide people to their products, the shelves know exactly what you want, where you want it and when you want it. I saw some high quality displays and expansive stores, I walked over to a electronic store and bought a phone she gave me this weird arabic coins that I spend on some remote for a pc. I couldn’t stop staring at the arabic signs and wonder how can the distinguish with this kind of lines, it looks just like some flat line of a dead person where the bumps might as well be static from the monitor – but one look at my phone that also had arabic signs under the letters on the number pad gave me an indication about how to read it and it wasn’t so mystical as it looked anymore, I walked over to my next gate, where they had a massive monitor from sony that now promote with the slogan make.believe it reminded me again of the computer scheme how matter is not moving and it is make believe, but in the end what you are programmed as you will execute so in a sense it is looking at what precedes the physical movement, ah there we go the seed with instructions, it’s a seeding of instructions, a program machine that pushing many buttons at once and flashes very bright and makes very load noises and then you forget whatever it was you were doing.

My last flight I sat in newer model of the same aircraft, the monitors where better and I watched some more movies, one was the clash of the titans about hadies and zeus, two brothers where hadies is the one in the underworld and zeus runs heaven, zeus needs love from people to keep his little show running and hadies feeds of fear. Battles were cool, the monsters were made very well and the special effects alone make this movie worthwhile. I guess it is a pretty descent movie if you like the action and aren’t to bothered by a story that has the same value as that of lets say walt disney’s monster inc..

The last movie I watched was temple grandin, based on a real story, I thoroughly enjoyed that movie. I went through the album of muse called the resistance, where in one of his songs he sings that love is our resistance, technically speaking if everything is substance and all substance is sound then what keeps it from not simply collapsing and disappearing, I’d say there isn’t anything that does so the only thing that keeps it is us ourselves as the limitation of it.

The movie of Temple Grandin is basically about a girl that is diagnosed with autism and then brought up by her mother against the doctors advise of institutionalizing her, she learns to speak at 4 and goes to school where this movie shows trough flashes of pictures and situations filmed in a way that gives you a perspective that is almost alien. Very funny as well if you can imagine someone that cannot understand human endeavor but does understand animals very well. Anyway after the movie ended I spend some more time zapping over the music, one of the items I was listening to was plastic beach from the Gorillas, I was done with what I was doing and I killed the time by resting my head on my hand.

In Düsseldorf I immediately noticed the difference with dubai, less white colors but also darker colors here and more solid durable structures, I called my father on his cell with a coin payed phone on a pole since i didn’t have a sim-card for my newly bought phone yet, we got to the car, my parents asked about me and about when Marlen left and if I didn’t feel bad about not being with her, I said yes and no, it is not about her it is about me, they said some things about mexico city but they weren’t talking from experience, I simply said I look at the practically, this is best for her and for me.

My father showed me a new phone he bought, a HTC where you can zoom pictures with two fingers and they sticked a 5 mp camera in there and stuff like when you turn it on its side it flips the pages, I could read the newspaper quite easily, I was surprised, a while back these things were available but so buggy and with such crappy machines that had or huge battery life or simply couldn’t last long enough to serve its purpose. The batteries have become efficient enough and the design and software is working very well. I asked about my brother and how he was, he had lived in my old house for a while now and he enjoyed it a lot, in my the street where I used to live which largely consisted of elder, meaning over 60 and other unspeakable numbers for human beings, if there is something worse then fear of death then it is fear of age which when you are young is in reverse; you want to be older when you are ‘young’ so the fear of an old fuck is becoming older and the desire is wanting to be young again and the fear of a young fuck is being young, desiring to be older.

One of the older dudes in the street died and left a load of money debt behind another was taken away by ambulance, I talked to them sometimes, i thought about the one dude that I spoke to last and how I experienced him, basically these men did the same for a long time and then died as every human, but you don’t choose this it is this mind that still fights and wants to get away and there I stopped and let the whole situation go in one breath.

My parents asked me about desteni, I basically said that desteni focuses on education and explained some basic principles of desteni, Leo said he saw a video where someone he says marlen shaved a blond girl, I think he meant esteni cause I couldn’t think of a video like that but there I explained the principle and how we as a group make a statement by doing a physical action where the stuff around hair such as shampoo and personality and the whole woo woo is removed, deleted. And I explained that there can not be an instance that there is something or someone else telling you what to do in whatever form, that is not taking self directive action and taking self responsibility, my father could get into that idea, I understood myself and learned that he understood it intellectuality, it is where it stays a concept and isn’t actually taken into action. They left the desteni subject, I had explained simple core principles that they both couldn’t deny. I hugged my parents on the airport by the way, I noticed with esteni and bernard I had a little resistance, like a little stopper, but with my parents it went just like that and I the place where I am now is as much home as anywhere else, I don’t feel any different.


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