My experience of the agreement at desteni farm

The first day I was on the farm I was Marlen was already there, Bernard was inspecting my nails and made the joke of using rat poison on the nails to prevent me from biting, he made that joke with marlen on the table, maybe one day later I was going with her through a book about astrology where we looked up the energy systems according to your birth date, it was quite interesting, we could get along well I could easily communicate with her and she seemed to have roughly the same angle and interests as me. My rough impression of Marlen at that time was an ambitious girl with a sharp eye and a more hidden side. I worked on painting the water tower with anti rust paint when I came at the farm and she was often there or someone else to sit with and have a conversation with.

I experienced Marlen for a while at the farm and she was always very helpful she did seemed somewhat troubled sometimes. I remember when the farm visitors where being assigned as assistant to work with the horses, Marlen seemed to react to the mandatory or rule like fashion like it was an obligation more then to the activity itself, I found it interesting as I could somewhat relate to the loathing of opposed rule and that kind of thing but I hadn’t seen it so strong in anyone before. The working at the horses went well, we were together and it gave a stable support for ourselves as life.

Some evening I the idea was brought up to get a massage, to explore that, Marlen was suggested and some people on the farm were very cooperative in giving me massage oil and sending me off, I asked Marlen if she wanted a massage, she said cool. Somewhere that evening we had a massage session, we were relaxed with each other and we spend the night together, the next day we sat on the four sitter in the garden and discussed what we were going to do, we were naturally together without much fuzz, we talked about if we stayed together and the answer was yes. We decided to move together and I moved in, I did remember that I felt slightly ashamed of moving in with Marlen so fast, I don’t no why probably believes of how relationships should be – lol.

Bernard and the dimensions didn’t wait long before buying a bigger mattress, they took immediate action and arranged that for us which I am grateful for. We slept together stood up together, it was summer and a great time where working on the studio building and other things were going on which we participated in, we talked one night about the agreement and Marlen made the remark that we didn’t really discuss it, I said no, the agreement was simply us being together and discussing anything else or agreement itself for us or for me anyway had no meaning at all so what was there to discuss? We let it rest as we couldn’t come up with something that we could use, because frankly we didn’t need anything. The projects such as varnishing and filming of SRA went on and we were both quite busy, but we also enjoyed each others company, relaxed had a swim, watched series, did massages, discussed, talked, laughed, ran around, rolled in the grass…

The resonance discussion followed after a while pointing out that yes we had a platform and we communicated what we needed with each other and that it was for us time to expand and confront the world. From my perspective the agreement went very well so far, a little to well almost -lol- I knew it wasn’t going to be easy and that there was still the hard part that had to start where we had to go into the world.

Since we had been together for quite a while to make this work there had to come quite a swing around in terms of me or her if this was going to last because one of us had to make a decision of what to do and the one had a supportive role and prepare / align accordingly, I had around this time quite some worry about the future of what it is that I wanted to do but it had to be something that included Marlen and those kind of problems I internalized or were shoved aside in a conversation.

Bernard one day stated that the agreement wouldn’t last, I couldn’t give decisive answer on that which I can see now confirmed it, the agreement as it was on the farm couldn’t last as it was we had to make decisions, I had to make a decision and that was to learn Spanish and do everything in my might to live and participate in Mexico. I had many frictions within that and problems and fears that I internalized. The decision I couldn’t make fully I couldn’t set myself to going Mexico, I had no idea what to expect and I feared being depended on others, interestingly enough with my fears and problems I had already secluded myself in my mind from Marlen and didn’t participate physically within the agreement anymore, I see how my participation declined.

Not long after that the resonance interview on control was done which showed me to myself that I was feeding a mind reality. It was a cool interview and for a short time I stopped the pattern but the source wasn’t gone, the only thing I did was go back to the idea situation, forget about the problems but really only suppress them so it would come back later. Anything I could do to not face myself I would do, the reality of going to mexico in my mind was my self created nightmare, fear of survival was visible my subconscious evasion of marlen was visible because I refused to face myself, the fear of survival became a fat manifested system in my neck on the left side a knot if you will pure fear which was created by me, me placing me in a mind reality, placing me alone in mexico, creating a mind reality that I created and I allowed to submit to it, another description of a mind possession.

The end of the agreement was somewhere in that stage and that the agreement would end was inevitable, I didn’t object and I saw it as a something that had to happen. There was nothing really to talk about, Marlen and me after stopping the agreement could get along in the same way we started again -lol- this is my experience of the agreement

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